


NOT ACCORDING TO PLAN

by malcolm_fucking_tucker



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Banter, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Implied Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-17
Updated: 2015-10-12
Packaged: 2018-03-31 00:18:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3957340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malcolm_fucking_tucker/pseuds/malcolm_fucking_tucker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I hate summaries...Right. So there's a bird, a castle,and some sheep; also the Doctor and Clara are there,and stuff happen. Set after Last Christmas, kinda funny but who am I to tell? Judge for yourself. Rating M for very suggestive manner of writing, but what can you do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Domestic disturbance

**Chapter one: Domestic disturbance**

 

-“Please Clara, can we keep it?”

 

-“No.”

 

-“But I let you keep Cuddles!”-Doctor was begging now.

 

-“Who is Cuddles?”

 

-“That one strand of your hair that, frankly keeps misbehaving.”-he pointed angrily at it.

 

-“You named my hair?”- Clara was beyond stunned.

 

-“Only that bit.”-he responds with a smile and a raise of his eyebrows; hoping of a change of heart.

 

-“Still no.”

 

Doctor was already preparing to protest and plead his strong case; _it was water proof-shut up!_ ; when he suddenly realized it was in fact his TARDIS in the first place. And he’s a grown man, almost, so he will do as he pleases. So he rushed past Clara and her angrily crossed arms and straight into the TARDIS.

 

-“Doctor?”-Clara finally caught him inside the main console room.

 

-“Yes Cuddles?”

 

-“Please don’t call me that…”

 

-“Yes Ma’am.”

 

-“Or that.”

 

-“Then what should I call you?”

 

-“Clara, seeing that’s my name!”-she says looking at the rebel Time Lord who was now petting his new best friend. To call it a strange bird would be offensive to birds frankly; and the adjective if we’re being honest.

 

-“I shall call him Sniffles.”

 

-“You’re not keeping it.”

 

-“My TARDIS, my rules.”-Doctor’s voice dropped an octave.

 

-“Oh, so you want to play it like that?”-Clara said, but Doctor did not respond. He was far too busy trying to put out a fire the little creature made on the buttons of his bellowed machine; and was now happily playing in.

******************************* 

-“Doctor!”-Clara yelled from inside her bedroom.

 

-“Yes?”-he materialized moments later and poked his head through the door. _No, I don’t come every time you summon me, that would be ridiculous._

 

-“If you could be bothered to remove your “pet” from my dresser that would be lovely.”-she says calmly.

 

-“Is he bothering you?”-Doctor asked entering her bedroom while casually looking around and swaying his long body in every direction really, except towards the intended path to his “pet”.

 

-“Yes, he keeps staring and screeching at me. It’s freaking me out…”-Clara said lifting her covers a bit as to show the deep emotional despair she was in due to the bird’s angry looks.

 

-“I was talking to Sniffles.”

 

-(…)

 

-“Come here you…”- Doctor took the unperplexed creature into his hands. The “bird” was still however defiantly ogling Clara as if saying: _Oh you think you’ll get rid of me that easy?_

 

-“I know…she is…”-Doctor whispered.

 

-“What are you doing Doctor?”

 

-“Nothing..?”-he offered.

 

-“Are you two talking about me?”-Clara started to get out of bed and was now slowly approaching the two offenders.

 

-“Why would you think that?”-Doctor took a step back towards the door; preparing his escape strategy. _Always have an escape plan_ -his brain was rather strict on that.

The bird also sensed a treat in Clara’s voice and despite the opponent’s small and feeble body and a ridiculous dress she was wearing, and the bird’s ability to set fire to anything really; it decided to retreat to a place of safety-into the Time Lord’s curled hair.

 

\- “Now that’s just silly."-Clara decided stopping a few feet from them and rolling her eyes.

 

-“Sniffles seems OK with it…”-Doctor responded listening intently to the soft humming the “bird” was now making while nesting on his head.

 

-“Stop calling it that, and get rid of it.”

 

-“No.”

 

-“Do as you’re told.”- She said. _That always works on him,_ she recalls. _Yeah, always. No we are not bickering like an old married couple, what do you mean?_

 

-“No!”-he repeats while suddenly disappearing through the door and into the safety of his precious ship’s corridors.

************************ 

-“The bird is a menace!”-Clara yelled at the Time Lord who was busy fixing a burnt dial on his console. Not that it was his fault by any chance.

 

-“…if it’s a bird anyway…”- she continued. –“It set my best pair of socks on fire! And then it just snorted at me!”-Clara was feeling less than pleased.

Doctor simply continued fiddling with the melted dial with his non-sonic screwdriver. _It was bound to fail_ -he thought.

 

-“Did you hear what I just said?”

 

-“Clara, the entire TARDIS ecosystem heard what you just said.”-he answered casually. -“With the amount of volume you are currently using, I’d say you were upset, but I could be wrong?”-he asked raising both his left eyebrow and his non-sonic screwdriver in Clara’s general direction.

Ignoring his sarcastic comment, she continued in a much calmer voice like any wife should, when attempting to get something done by her husband. Did I say wife? I meant companion.

-“It’s looking at me funny. Tell it to stop.”

 

-“How can I tell it to stop Clara? It’s a bird.”

 

-“Tell it to stop Doctor, or you’ll sleep on the couch tonight.”

 

-“TARDIS doesn’t have a couch. I sleep in my armchair when we’re not…”-but Clara interrupted him:

 

-“Then I’ll make one, and then force you to sleep on it!”

 

-“Fine. Don’t get so touchy Clara, it’s just a bird...”- he says finally yielding.

******************** 

Doctor was sifting through the pages of an old, leader-bound book in his console mini-library. “Bird” still safely tucked in his hair. They were enjoying this moment of privacy, seeing that Clara finally got tired of trying to force the Doctor to get rid of the “bird”; and went to sulk in her bedroom. _Game point-the Doctor._

 

-“No…I mean yes.”- Doctor said casually brushing the book’s center line with his finger (guess which one). –“Well once, maybe twice or…But I was drunk and she was something to do with hormones. Well not drunk, something else…”-He stopped abruptly remembering the scene.

 

_/soft humming in his ear/_

 

-“No, I won’t tell you the details."

 

_/not-so soft humming in his ear/_

 

-“Please don’t threaten to set my hair on fire…”

 

_/moments later/_

 

-“Sniffles, No! Bad bird!”-Doctor yelled running through the TARDIS; smoke trail in his wake.

********************** 

-“Women!”- Doctor was beyond angry.-“I can’t believe you did that Clara…”-he said punching coordinates angrily into the console.

 

-“You gave me no choice.”-Clara responded calmly, watching him huff and puff his way into submission. TARDIS hummed soundly in agreement with her.

 

-“Oh shut up you.”-Doctor lashed out.

 

_/Angry TARDIS noises/_

 

-“Fine! I’m doing it!”- he said pushing the leaver.

 

-“Don’t be grumpy, it doesn’t suit you.”-Clara said smiling.

 

-“I’m not grumpy, I’m cross.”

 

-“It was your choice.”

 

-“You made me choose. You and “her”.”-he said pointing at the console.

 

-“And you chose well.”

 

-“I chose what you wanted me to choose.”

 

-“Exactly…Look, I’ll get you a stuffed one, how’s that?”

 

-“I’m not a child Clara.”- Doctor said opening the door and letting the Sun burst through it to reveal a whole new world outside.

To be continued...


	2. Fire in our eyes

**Chapter two: Fire in our eyes**

 

-“So…Not Earth then?”-Clara asked while admiring the view. The scenery was truly lovely. Mountain tops in the distance still covered in diamond glints of snow. Tree lines as far as the eyes can see; green and magnificent. And in the middle of it all, a great-white castle.

 

-“Nope.”-Doctor answered with a wide smile while ogling huge towering reflectors casting beams of light over the castle. Twas dusk-time of spring, and around 8ish if you care for such things. The bird did not care for time; it was busy playing in a lonely patch of glistening snow on the field that was a heap of melted mess by the time it finished with it. Doctor glanced at it casually. _Oh, they grow up so fast…_

 

-“Right,”- Clara said,-“…shall we?”

**************** 

After a brief walk they reached a small wooden-bent bridge in the middle of the barren field that was stretching over something that really did not seem as if it was ever a river, or any kind of water for that matter.

 

-“Hello there!”-Doctor declared addressing an unperplexed sheep that was standing on the side of the bridge; chewing some grass with its eyes closed in delight and…

 

-Beeee…

 

-“Language.”- Doctor raised a finger at the creature. 

 

-Beeeeee!

 

-“Interesting…The dialect. Are you from Chamaeleon belt by any chance?” 

 

-Beee.

 

-“Yeah, I liked her too. She had the most welcoming little…”

 

-“Doctor!”-Clara interrupted his reminiscence. 

 

-“Household… Now, we have come to this town in a quest to return this bird to its rightful owner. Could you please let us pass?”- he said pointing at his hair.

 

-Beee?- sheep asked looking at Clara.

 

-“No, we’re not married.”-Doctor simply said.

 

/snort/

 

-“I don’t care that you don’t believe me.”

 

-“Don’t! No…Sniffles is lying.”

 

/bleating…humming/

 

-“I never said that, I just said…”

 

-“Fine, we’re a couple- happy? Now can we pass?”-Doctor said raising his arms and letting them drop in discontent. Truth shall set you free…Yeah, right. 

************ 

 

-“Doctor, why do they have a bridge in the middle of a field?”

 

-“Don’t be racist Clara.”-was all he answered because at that point they reached the castle doors.

*************** 

-“Just let them take the bloody bird!”-Clara managed to say between gasping for air.

 

-“Clara! I can’t believe you just suggested that.”-Doctor answered running round a corner and swaying heavily; “bird” still very much in his hair.-“Poor, defenseless little Sniffles.”

 

-“Seriously!?”-she said looking back at the pitch-fork equipped and rather large group of angry people that was currently on their trail.

 

-“I have never been chased by an angry mob before!”-Clara lightly punched the Doctor’s forearm.

 

-“Well, this takes me back.”-he replies with a wild smile, jumping spectacularly over some obstacles.

 

-“A witch!!!”-one of the mob jelled in rage at them.

 

-“That’s ridiculous,”-Doctor snorted while running down an alley. –“She’s not even lighter that a duck. Wait, scratch that…”  
Apparently the “bird” burnt down half the city in a jealous rage over a cake it was not permitted to sample; and was now an outlaw.  
A few more hundred yards of frantic running and Doctor stooped, bending down to his knees; inhaling deeply.   
-“Right, I think we lost them.”-he said leaning onto a lamp post.

********************** 

 

The situation was a delicate one. A very delicate one indeed.

-“So where do the wires go?”-Clara asked slowly looking at the Doctor’s pained face.

 

-“You don’t want to know.”

 

Apart from being delicate, the situation was an impossible one as well. They were chained together by their hands; the chain looped through a center-round link between them. But that’s not the worst part. It was also connected to a counter-weight that lowered each time the chain moved even an inch. And where does it go? It falls down towards the big-red button on the floor beneath. And what does it do when it reaches the big-red button? Who knows…

 

-“How about you don’t move, and I do all the work?”-Doctor asked calmly.

 

-“Well, that would be a nice change…”-Clara responded rolling her head backwards. At least she could move that part of her body. The rest was immobilized to say the least.

 

-“Pufff!”

 

-“Fine, go ahead.”- she said finally.-“I won’t meddle.”

 

/scruff…scruff…clench…huff…puff/

 

/Click. Click. Click/

 

-“Nice. Great job I must say.”- Clara offered.

 

/electric buzzing and some Aaaargh… sounds/

 

Doctor was breathing heavily now. The electric shocks were nothing special. Nothing he couldn’t take. But they were uncomfortable…

************************* 

 

-“Stop shifting Clara, I’m getting electrocuted here!”

 

-“My dress went up. I can’t just sit here like that…”

 

-“I don’t mind.”- Doctor raised his head brushing his eyes over the entirety of her body.

 

-“Stop right there…”

******************** 

-“No, no, no ,no, no, no!”- Doctor tried.

 

/Click/

 

-“That one was your fault.”-Clara deduced.

 

/buuuuuzzzzz/

 

-“How was that my fault?”-Doctor’s body tensed up again.

 

-“You broke my concentration with all of your yelling…"

 

-“You moved! I specifically told you to be still!”

 

-“And there’s the yelling again.”

********************* 

 

-“Do you have a plan?”- Clara finally asked.

 

-“Why am I always the one to have to come up with a plan?”-Doctor retorted trying to shift his legs into a more suitable position.

 

-“Because you’re a super intelligent alien-being with 27 brains. Now, plan?”

 

-“Can you reach into my trouser pocket without moving the chain?”

 

-“You mean can I move my hands without moving my hands?”-Clara asked through a sarcastic smile.

 

-“Basically, yes.”

 

-(…)-“I can try I guess. What am I looking for?”

 

-“My sonic, obviously.”

After a couple of agonizing minutes that included some shifting, buzzing, yelling and heavy breathing, Clara finally reached into the Doctor’s pocket. The counter-weight was getting dangerously close to the big-red button mind you.

 

-“I’ll try and ignore it, just don’t move Doctor.”-Clara said softly after realizing why the Doctor was so uncomfortable these past few hours.

 

/shift/

 

-“Why are you moving Doctor?”- she stopped her hand inside his pocket and closed her eyes  
.

-“What? Oh I thought you told me to move…Sorry.”

 

-“Got it!”-Clara said taking the sonic out.

 

-“Wrong sonic, but never mind.

 

-“What?”

 

-“Nothing. Try buzzing the link. Setting 71, three pulses at 4 second intervals.”

 

/nothing/

 

-“Well that was a marvelous plan Doctor…”- she said,-“…which one of your 27 brains came up with that one? I want to officially thank it.”

 

-“It’s dead-locked.”-Doctor provided an explanation dropping his head.

 

-“It’s a chain link! How can it be dead-locked?”

 

-“I really can’t get into meta-analysis of bond strength and pressure resistance right now Clara. I don’t have my black-board with me. Also there is all of this impending doom that I’m slightly preoccupied with at the moment, so shush!”

 

-“Did you just shush me?”-Clara’s control freak was just aching for another quarrel.

 

-“Sniffles!”-Doctor exclaimed enthusiastically looking at the flying menace.

 

-“Where the hell did it come from?"

 

-“She flew through the window bars. Really Clara, do try to keep up. I can’t keep explaining everything to you, it’s exhausting and time consuming.”

 

The bird settled once again in her favorite spot in the Time Lord’s hair, and hummed contentedly.

-“Who’s a clever girl? Yes you are…”-Doctor commended the bird upon its achievement in locating them.

 

-“Oh it’s a _she_ now?”-Clara was losing it.

 

-“Well of course it’s a she, can we not do this right now?”- he asked looking at his problem area.

 

-“No, I really want to do this now.”- Clara said clutching the chain between her fingers and eying him significantly.

 

-”Please Clara…”

 

/click/

 

-“You didn’t…Aaaargh!”

 

-“I recon we have at least a couple more inched before the weight reaches the bottom, so I suggest you start behaving.”-Clara said casually.

 

/heavy breathing/

 

/humming sounds/

 

-“That’s a wonderful idea Sniffles. Good bird!”-Doctor said in relief.

The bird has come up with a cunning plan to set them free. Seeing that the two of them were useless and had failed repeatedly in their glorious attempts. Also, she did not like to see her nest being electrocuted for sheer fun. She was a proud and gentle monster. It really did not take more than a second, and the “bird” first melted the weight; thus removing the impending disaster waiting to happen. She then set about melting the rest of the chain in strategic positions. It was a military trained bird you know. Not some chirping little bundle of joy you see flying in the sky. _Ruthless, but kind_ –that was her motto. 

But she still did not belong. So after the whole escape, the Doctor took Sniffles to her home planet. 

He was sad to see her go, but he really could not manage three women aboard his ship; however big it may be.  
And as night fell on that calm spring-evening, the Doctor fell asleep in his armchair, (the couch was still in construction; Clara did not like the color of it, and complained of it being too soft),clutching tight to his chest his new best friend: a little, fluffy-stuffed owl. Yes, he will have great memories with this one.

The End


	3. I had amnesia once, maybe twice

_Fixed point in time_ -he would say. That was actually his excuse these days for, well anything really. Clara sighed looking at the picture on her bedroom wall she just finished putting up. _Impossible man._ -she frowned again.

 

They had just returned from their little “adventure” in future-Camelot as she liked to call it, and Doctor was already making new trouble. Behind her, a familiar whizzing-groaning sound became prominent, but she continued looking at the picture. Then a door-bursting noise and smoke pouring out, filling her room. Then some coughing, fire-extinguisher swooshing and a few more coughs followed by: Retractor-fans on! Then the door closed again. But she still did not turn around. She was making a point you see.

 

-“Clara?”-Doctor asked brushing excess smoke out of his hoodie-red-lining jacket and approaching her carefully from behind. He stops inches from her, ogling that mischievous strand of hair, but then his eyes fall on her bed.

 

-“Why is Sniffles on your bed?”-he asks rather confused.

 

-“You left it there last night.”-she responds casually, dipping her head to the side letting Cuddles dangle freely; but still not turning around to look at the Time Lord. Still not ready to find out what he messed up this time.

 

-“I slept in your bed last night?”-he moves closer to the wicked strand that was teasing him mercilessly.

 

-“No, you slept on the couch. I confiscated the little-stuffed toy.”-Clara responds now throwing an angry yet playful glance at the owl behind her pillow.

 

-“What for?”

 

-“Reasons. When are you taking me ice-skating?”-Clara finally turns around making the Doctor scramble backwards a bit (he was leaning really close by that point; lost balance you know). –“And what’s with the hobo-look?”

 

-“I already did.”-he answers rejecting her last comment. _Why, his torn-down clothes were perfectly presentable, thank you very much._

 

-“When?”

 

-“Last week.”

 

-“No you didn’t.”

 

-“Oh. Must have been next week then.”

 

-“What?”

 

-“I took you ice-skating next week. It was Wednesday, if I remember correctly.”

 

-“Are you getting your days mixed-up again Doctor?”

 

-“No, that was tomorrow.”

 

(…)-“Did you sleep last night?”

 

-“You said I was on the couch.”-Doctor said reaching for Cuddles, but she slapped his hand.

 

-“Yes, but did you sleep at all?”-Clara was worried now.

 

-“I don’t know. I’ll ask.”-he responded casually.

 

-“Ask who?”

 

-“The couch, obviously.”- he was so tired of explaining.

 

-“Right. So clearly you did not sleep.”- Clara deduced.

 

-“How could have I? You took my Sniffles, apparently.”

 

-“You were being punished.”- she says examining his torn-sweater. _How did he manage that…And when?_

 

-“For what?”

 

-“Don’t play dumb. For destroying my kitchen!”

 

-“No Clara. That was two days from now.”

 

_Oh dear_ …-she frowned.

 

-“What will I have supposedly done? Remind me…”-he says brushing his curls with both hands and then stretching one fairly long one in front of his face, for close examination of course.

 

-“You were playing with your alchemy kit…Again.”

 

-“Oh yes. Fun times.”- he says with a wide smile releasing the curl. –“So, where is it?”

 

-“I’m not wearing it.”

 

-“But Cuddles…”

 

-“Stop it.”- she raises a finger walking towards her three mirrors, opening a clear view of the painting for the Time Lord. It was a beautiful, Victorian scene of two people ice-skating hand in hand on a sunny winter’s afternoon.

 

-“Told you I took you ice-skating.”-Doctor concluded.

 

-“Not us.”- Clara responded adjusting her tie to be as casual as can be. Doctor scrambles at that moment, jumping on her bed and in a few long strides he’s nose-close to the painting in question; his arms on each side and examining it closely from no distance at all.

 

-“Quite right. Her face is not nearly round enough…Or wide.”

 

-“Couch…”- she threatens softly.

 

-“Right, right. I’m stopping.”-Doctor responds raising his arms in surrender and vacating the bed in one swift jump.

 

-“Can I have Sniffles back?”

 

-“No.”

 

-“Can I sleep with you then?”

 

-“We’ll see.”

******************* 

-“She’s being impossible! First the kitchen, now this!”-Clara yells bursting through the TARDIS blue door and pointing defeatedly at her ruined clothes. –“She’s doing it on purpose!”

 

/TARDIS mocking sounds/

 

-“Don’t be silly Clara.”- The Time Lord follows shortly after her.-“Alchemy was a fixed point in time, I told you that 7 times already.”

 

-“Well, I still don’t believe you.”-she responds splashing droplets of brownish-black mud over the floor, receiving angry-mechanical-buzzing-scolding noises as a response.

 

-“Oh I’m sorry, does this bother you?”-she addressed the console defiantly,-“I’m sorry that me being completely covered in mud is an inconvenience for you, seeing that you brought us here!”

 

/Angry TARDIS noise/

 

-“Ladies, ladies…”- Doctor interrupted the heating of the scene while trying to brush Clara’s face so that he could see her eyes, but ended up making more mess than in the first place.-“No need to fight.”-he continued,-“I’m sure she brought us here for a reason. Isn’t that right old-girl?”

 

/Soft TARDIS humming/

 

-“No, that was next week.”-Doctor answers her scratching his now brownish hair.

 

/TARDIS beeping and humming/

 

-“No, that will be in the last century.”-he responds while trying to count with his fingers.

 

/TARDIS humming and light-flickering/

 

-“I know, I’m confused too.”-Doctor sighed looking at his mud-covered hands. They have been crawling through dense mud for a while trying to come back to the blue-box of salvation. She has brought them to the mud-infested planet, so that kind of casted a shadow over their planned ice-skating trip; and after hours of wrestling through and swimming across a patch of extra tick and sticky mud, they were exhausted and decidedly filthy (you think?); also Clara has been nursing a bum-strain for the last 200 meters. So naturally, she was less than pleased, and was currently hand-draining her shirt onto the TARDIS floor.

 

-“I’m off for a shower.”-she finally says limping away from the Time Lord and the increasingly irritated TARDIS.

**************** 

Oh it felt so good standing in that perfectly temperature-friendly shower. Clara could sense tension draining from her body; relaxation taking over. She took the flowery-blue-ocean-star-whale scented shower-gel and massaged it all over her body, smiling contentedly.

 

/blip-gulp-gulp-silence/

 

-“What?”-she said calmly to the shower-head that has suddenly decided to stop functioning.-“You cannot be serious!”- she yelled in frustration. –“Fine, I’m sorry for the mud-OK? Can I get the water back now?”

 

/Still silence/

 

-“Fine.”-Clara said giving up and opening the shower-curtain; exiting carefully and reaching for the towel.

 

-“Oh no.”

What she meant by her last indignant comment was her expression of sheer desperation upon the fact that both her clothes and the big-fluffy towel were now missing from the bathroom.

 

-“That’s just being cruel now.”-she issued her last attempt to her general surrounding; but to no avail.

 

_Right_ -she thought- _not a long way to my room, providing she doesn’t “fix” that as well_ -she peaked her head through the bathroom door. The coast was clear so she carefully entered the long and very narrow corridor of a mocking ship. She moved slowly, not knowing what could await her at the next corner. _Will the ship send some wild animals after her?_ She was taking no chances, so continued steadily sneaking towards her room; checking every shadow and/or possible movement. _Right, 30 more meters._

 

-“What?!”- she suddenly yelled at the scene in front of her. She has apparently stumbled upon the only other living resident of the infinite ship. He was also naked, but it seems that he rather decided not to be bothered.

 

-“What?”- he asked casually upon noticing his little companion.

 

-“What?!?”

 

-“What???”- Time Lord was growing increasingly confused on Clara’s inability to form a normal question or a sentence.

 

-“Why are you naked?”-Clara finally formed a sentence while making a supra-human effort to maintain eye-contact with the alien; also covering herself in the process. She was being an excellent multitasker.

 

-“I was having a shower,”- he motioned towards the room behind him,-“…but ran out of water and clothes, for some reason.”- He stopped confused at his current state.-“I also seem to be having location-difficulties.”-he added looking around and confirming his last statement; he then returned his eyes on Clara.

 

-“Please cover yourself Doctor.”

 

-“With what? Oh I see.”- he says, finally obliging.-“Why are _you_ naked?”

 

-“Your stupid TARDIS…”- Clara started explaining, but he interrupted.

 

-“You shouldn’t have said that…”- he says slowly and at that moment a very sexy-music starts echoing through the corridor they were stuck in; followed by the light-dimming.-“You see…”- Doctor began explaining the intricate system of music and lighting-mood with his hands, leaving him uncovered once again.-“…and then I installed a subroutine in the programming.”

 

-“So this is all your fault?”

 

-“I did not say that…You splashed mud all over the floor of a sentient-being; what did you expect?”-he asked flaying his hands.

 

-“Stop moving and let me pass.”

 

-“That sounds contradictory.”

 

-“Move…”

 

-“Yes ma’am.”- he complied pressing against the wall and letting her pass. Then he started carelessly searching for his room that was probably being relocated at that point. _Looooong day this…_

********** 

After the mud and the whole shower conundrum, Doctor was fairly sure (87%) that the couch was the only option, so he decided to hatch a plan to steal Sniffles.

 

He came up with the most brilliant, full-proof, fail-safe plan so you can imagine his surprise when he was caught red-handed executing said plan-shocking really.

 

-“So, what is your defense this time? Is it a fixed point in time again?”-Clara asked looking rather smug.

 

Doctor strained for a moment, (his main defense down the drain), opening and closing his mouthy in vain, then finally deciding on his line of defense when he said:

-“I came into your room because I love you.”- in one breath.

 

-“Try again.”

 

-“Clara, I saw you today as the Sun came behind the clouds and the burst of brilliant light caught your hair; it was haloed in front of me. You turned to look at me and your eyes flash-fired into my soul and I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Carl Marks, and in the words of the immortal Albert Schweitzer: I fancy you.”-he said in a deep-growly voice.

 

-“So you just came to steal the stuffed toy.”- Clara crossed her arms.

***********************

That night Doctor ended up, quite surprisingly on the couch once again. His feet dangling over the short length of the uncomfortable thing. And without Sniffles too. Not accepting his grim fate, he snuck into Clara’s room and when she woke up later that night, she found the Doctor wrapped around her body; his face buried into her hair and snoring lightly. His stuffed-owl safely where she left it. She smiled.


	4. Not an Incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Explanation as to why the Doctor had to sleep on the couch that time, and had Sniffles taken away.

**Chapter four- Not an incident**

 

-“It will not fit.”- Clara said for the 11th time.

 

-“It will fit.”-Doctor responded getting slightly out of breath.

 

-“You are pushing too hard…”

 

-“Why don’t you help then?”

 

-“Nah, I like to watch you struggle. It’s funny.”

 

Doctor grumbled a bit on that remark; drops of perspiration now forming on his forehead.

 

-“And I don’t think the sonic can help you either, you’re stuck.”-Clara chuckled.

 

-“Expert now, are we?”

 

-“No…But I know what a woman wants you know, being one and all…”

 

-“Do you now?”-he mumbled under breath; almost whispering.

 

-“Years of experience.”-she confirmed.

 

-“I had millennia.”-Doctor added casually.

 

-“Brag.”

 

-“Control-freak.”-he hissed pushing one last time.

 

-“Aaaaaaaaaand, it’s in!”-Doctor huffed straightening his back as he stood tall in front of the newly-set and slightly improved refrigerator in Clara’s freshly decorated kitchen.-“Told you it would fit.”- he added through a sly grin, but Clara was unimpressed.

 

-“That’s exactly what you said last night.”

 

-“And it did fit.”-he concluded. –“Now, how do you like your new kitchen Clara?”

 

-“It looks remarkably similar to the old one that conveniently got burned in your little playing incident.”

 

-“Can we not call it an incident?”

 

-“Sure. How about: a huge explosion followed by a roaring fire that took an hour to contain. Is that better?”-Clara started to lose her patience.

 

-“I would venture to say a minor one at best, but you did seem to overreact at the time which would suggest that perhaps there was a slight chance it wasn’t that, or, what’s more likely, that you were being your usual self in labeling disasters (and taking Sniffles).”- he mumbled last one under breath.

 

-“Right. Let me tell you how it happened because you clearly have recollection problems, and then you could judge if I overreacted or not.”-Clara offered. 

 

-“Fine. But I see no point. I know when I’m right…”

 

-“Shut it…So:”

**************************  
{She was woken up on the beautiful Sunday morning by the gentle rays of Sun stealing their way through the blinds on her bedroom window and gently caressing her body. And the birds were chirping soft melodies to ease her transition from sleep… ( _Oh come on Clara, that’s was too much poetry this early in the morning, and you know it. I said-Shush!_ ) She wiggled a bit, extending her arm to the side of the bed where she felt a distinctive absence of a certain outer-earthly presence; which was odd. The one occupying that space would usually wait for her to wake up, and then grumble about extremely long sleep period he had to endure after certain human interactions he found pleasant, if a bit overrated, yet extremely satisfying.( _I never said it like that!_ ) Then he would complain on having stuff to do and such, followed by a gentle kiss on her forehead she looked forward to every morning, before the above mentioned Time Lord would rush towards the kitchen to make some breakfast. In the meantime Clara would lie in her soft bed; warmth from his body still caressing her and memories from last night replaying vividly in her mind. ( _Really Clara!_ ) But she woke up this time to a cold chill from that side and a sharp, unrecognizable smell from the kitchen. A new dietary experiment? Doctor was prone to that. After opening her weary eyes, her gentle awakening was suddenly and very rudely interrupted by a pair of legs in front of her face. ( _You never complained before._ ) Dark trousers that she knew well, but were quite a long way away from being their usual clean and tidy shape and form; being that some orange-greenish liquid was dripping lazily down them. ( _Now that’s an understatement…And why are you talking in third person? _). She looked up.__

__

__-“Oh you’re awake…Finally; I’ve been standing here for ages.”_ _

__

__-“Doctor, what have you done?-she asked carefully._ _

__

__-“Goodness Clara, why do you always assume I did something?”_ _

__

__-“Because you’re standing there with puppy-eyes and green-unidentified substance stuck on your trousers, now spill.”_ _

__

__-“I did not spill anything.”_ _

__

__-“What happened?”_ _

__

__-“Well, I will tell you my dearest, most beautiful Clara; but first I need Sniffles.”_ _

__

__-“What for?”_ _

__

__-“No particular reason whatsoever.”_ _

__

__-“Just tell me…”_ _

__

__-“Right, so remember that planet I took you after Christmas…The one in the Orpiuchus constellation?-he started slowly._ _

__

__-“Yeah?”_ _

__

__-“Where all the trees are purple, and they light up in the night sky under the lush stars, that then guided our way to the top of that small hill on the south side? The one with the fluorescent lake and a river that meanders before connecting with it through a magnificent waterfall that echoes in the music of the star-dust?_ _

__

__-“Aham?”_ _

__

__-“And when I kissed you on that hill above the waterfall, and you blushed ever so slightly and wrapped your arms around my neck as the water bounced of the brilliant-black rocks in the lake below and splashed timidly on the nearby shore leaving fluorescent, yet fast-fading marks that flowed like a painting of the soul?”_ _

__

__Clara nodded._ _

__

__-“Well the kitchen is on fire.”_ _

__

__-“What?!?”_ _

__

__-“You said you wouldn’t overreact.”_ _

__

__-“Move!”-she got up pushing the Doctor aside and running towards the ominous smell. It was very difficult to describe the state of her kitchen. Half burned, and half covered in orange-green stuff would about suffice; minus a few details._ _

__

__-“What happened?!”_ _

__

__-“Would you believe me if I told you I woke up and found it like that?”_ _

__

__She just looked at him, preparing a tantrum._ _

__

__-“Fine. Well I got bored, and I decided to make you a present.”-he started rummaging through his pockets,-“but the TARDIS would not let me, so I had to do it in here, and…Look!”- he exclaimed enthusiastically-“I made you this!”-his smile grew as he offered her a greenish-orange disgustingly-looking, foul-shaped stone that was still smoking somewhat. His Time-alchemy kit was spread on her kitchen counter. With Clara not moving to accept his offering he tried to explain._ _

__

__-“It was supposed to be bluish-black with silver constellations representing the night sky on the day we first met, but I might have messed that up a bit. I was not really paying attention to Introduction to _alchemy-astronomy and how to create a black hole_ -class at the time.”- he finished scratching his curly-hair looking at Clara._ _

__

__-“You destroyed my kitchen.”- she finally managed to speak._ _

__

__-“I made you a precious stone.”- he corrected her._ _

__

__-“You destroyed my kitchen.”- she repeated; realization dawning on her while her eyes fell on the black window covered with orange splashes in weird patters._ _

__

__-“You are really missing the big-picture here, Clara.”_ _

__

__-“You will be missing some big-parts of your body by the time I’m done with you…”-she said slowly turning towards the Time Lord.}_ _

__************************_ _

__-“I do not remember it that way!”-Doctor yelled adjusting the temperature on the new-spacey fridge._ _

__

__-“Oh really?”_ _

__

__-“As I recall, I was not even present when the incident, as you like to call it, occurred. And I strictly remember it being a fixed point in time so it could not have been my fault.”-he finished with a triumphant grin._ _

__

__-“Well maybe your brain was not present, but your body was distinctively covered in green stuff from the scene of the crime thus rendering your brain ipso-facto caught in corpus delicti. And stop saying it’s fixed, for the 12th time!”_ _

__

__-“Right, that should do it.”-he tapped the door of their new, bigger-on-the-inside fridge with “minor alterations” as he would later refer to._ _

__

__-“Great. All that remains now is to dispose of that unearthly-disaster-kit and all will be well.”_ _

__

__-“But of course.”-Doctor smiled deciding to comply with Clara’s wish in a small way; but not entirely you see. He already composed a brilliant plan that would enable him to keep it. He would create a perfect hiding place; Time Lord style naturally. A little pocket of space, bigger on the inside and disguised with a perception filter where he would put it… Inside her bedroom closet. She would never find it, he was certain._ _

__********************_ _

__Clara woke up surprisingly before the Doctor. Surprisingly because he in fact claims not ever sleeping ( _Why that’s ridiculous; Time Lords don’t waste time sleeping, they do cat naps. No, we are not a subspecies of cats Clara, don’t be silly. They are from a completely different planet, and infinitely more devious._ ) _ _

__So she let him “not-sleep” for a while and ventured towards her kitchen in search for sustenance. _Why that’s a lot of big words this morning_ -she thought. What that was intended to be, was in fact her attempt to prepare for yet another arduous confrontation with the newly-appointed and slightly unpleasant cooling-machine. After a row with it last night she went to bed hungry, so she was determined to win this time. With a sharp inhale Clara opened the fridge-door, immediately regretting her decision ( _Poorly planned Clara, appalling._ )._ _

__

___Oh, it’s you again._ (A mechanical voice expressed its disappointment, which Clara ignored; unsuccessfully._ _

__

__-“Yes it’s me, get over it. I’m not here to fight, I just want some juice.”_ _

__

___Is that so?_ _ _

__

__-“Yes it is so. Why do you need to be so defensive? And why do you keep rearranging stuff all the time?"-Clara said looking for the damn juice she could have sworn was right there in the door last night._ _

__

___I’m bored…Just passing the time._ _ _

__

__-“You’re a fridge.”_ _

__

___I still have feelings, Mary._ _ _

__

__-“My name is Clara.”_ _

__

___Whatever._ _ _

__

__“God you’re offensive.”_ _

__

___I do my best…Are you sure you need that much sugar?_ _ _

__

__-“None of your business really.”- she responded giving up of the search for juice and reaching for the ice-cream instead._ _

__

___And that skirt really does not go with your eyes_ _ _

__

__-“That’s enough. You’re a fridge, not a fashion counselor.”_ _

__

___And you’re fat_ _ _

__

__Clara gasped, forcefully closing the fridge-door.-“Doctor!?!”_ _

__

__(few moments later)_ _

__

__-“You know I only like it when you call me that in the bedroom, Clara.”- Doctor strutted in the kitchen joyfully._ _

__

__-“What did you do to my fridge?”_ _

__

__-“I improved it.”-he stopped sensing danger in her voice._ _

__

__-“It’s giving out fashion advices. I can hardly call that improvement. And it called me fat.”_ _

__

__-“It must be malfunctioning, because you are obviously not fat. ( _good job Doctor_ ). You are elegantly-filled and roundishly yet conveniently curved, with soft but fierce features that could topple Gods and even men like me. ( _game-set_ ) He approached to take her hair in hand, and started playing with it. _ _

__

__-“And may I just say, Cuddles is looking particularly in element today. He is behaving beautifully in contrast to metaphysics as always. One of your best qualities I’m sure.”( _And match point._ )_ _

__

__-“Yes…About the fridge then. Can you get it back to normal?”_ _

__

__-“Normal is boring Clara; and I don’t do boring.”- he said not letting go of the offending strand of hair he adored._ _

__

__-“That’s not what you said last night.”-Clara protested moving closer. –“Let me quote: _Lying in the bed with you can sometimes splash some peaceful boredom into ours otherwise overwhelmed lives Clara; and I do not mind some boredom from time to time._ End quote.”- she raised an eyebrow at him._ _

__

__-“Oh well, that was last night…”- he said delightfully caught for a moment. –“I was weaving my plan carefully to create a well organized bedroom activity.”_ _

__

__-“Oh yes.”-she agreed.-“You did a lot of weaving last night as I recall.”_ _

__

__-“Yes, well enough of that.”-Time Lord coughed nervously;-“really no time for those activities right now. I’m far too busy.”_ _

__

__-“And that’s another thing you said last night.”-Clara agreed grabbing his lapels and pushing him backwards until he hit the wall. -”Quote: _Clara, I’m far too busy to indulge your little human urges. I’m a Time Lord not a sex-toy, and you cannot…What are you doing down there? No, don’t touch that…You had to touch it, didn’t you?_ End quote.”_ _

__

__-“You always were a mischievous little woman I’ll give you that Clara…”-Doctor answered her stare with a splash of lightening behind his ever so blue eyes and added:_ _

__-“You know, I might choose to sleep on the couch, just to spite you.”-he let his lips brush slowly on hers slightly opened mouth; barely touching._ _

__

__-“You wouldn’t dare…”-Clara remained unfazed to his right hand that positioned itself on her lower back; holding her in place of his convenience. –“Not knowing what would become of Sniffles if you tried that.”_ _

__

__-“That’s cruel.”_ _

__

__-“That’s chess; and guess who’s winning.”-she smiled._ _

__

__-“Forget chess. What do you say to one more round of alchemy in the kitchen? Who knows? If we’re lucky we might get it right and burn down the fridge.”- Doctor suggested dropping his head to her neckline._ _

__

__-“I’m not letting you ruin my crisp-new kitchen again.”-Clara responded biting his shoulder._ _

__

__-“Yes ma’am.”-Doctor complied.-“We’ll seek revenge some other way.”-he added slipping his fingers below her skirt; lifting it up._ _


	5. Bound to fail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> little games they play :)

**Chapter five: Bound to fail**

 

-“Let’s play a game.”-Clara teased walking towards the Doctor.

 

-“Why?”-Time Lord argued; unsuccessfully concealing his eagerness to proceed. He ever so loved their little games, but was rather reluctant on admitting to that. Call it pride or stubbornness or whatever you want. But at the end of the day, he was still just a man.

 

-“You might like it.”-she offered while casually playing with the Time Lord’s top-shirt button.

 

-“I might not.”-he argued, still intensely watching at his little companion.

 

-“Yes…But you might DO.”-Clara finally let her gaze drift towards his blue eyes, needing permission.

 

-“Let me help you out Clara with that silly little persuasion scheme of yours. It’s exactly 4.78:1 against that notion.”

 

-“How come?”

 

-“Well my dear-slightly confused, but none the less very pretty Cuddles, that’s the probability I’ve come up with after statistically evaluating data from our previous “games”.”

 

-“So you don’t like our games?”-Clara already started to withdraw her hands when the Doctor sensed her hesitation and held them in place. Across his hears, where they should be.

 

-“I never said that.”- Doctor countered.

 

-“You just stated explicitly that statistical probability is against you liking it.”

 

-“Statistics are rubbish. The result in this particular case gets in favor of the later just because of one, small detail.”

 

-“Which is?”- Clara asked anxiously.

 

-“It takes too long.”-his gaze at that point could have burned galaxies to dust, Clara was 127% certain.

 

-“We have a time machine.”-She tried.

 

-“Still takes too long.”-barely a whisper.

 

-“So you do enjoy it?”

 

-“Takes too long to come to a satisfying conclusion.”-Doctor released her hands and proceeded to play with Clara’s hair.(Yes, you know damn well which strand!)

 

-“But you _do_ enjoy it…”

 

-“Too long…”-was all Clara could hear before her lips were deprived of a chance to answer being claimed by soft delight. She soon forgot her game plans all together. And could you blame her?

*************************** 

-“Remind me…Why are we playing card games in my bed Clara?”-Doctor was rather confused by their current situation. They were sitting in his over sized bed opposite each other; Doctor leaned against the head board and Clara on the other side of the bed; sitting on a pile of fluffy pillows she “confiscated”, thusly leaving the Time Lord with no option but to rest against the hard-wooden frame. He did not like that. 

In the center between them was a large-ish black Victorian top-hat slightly occupied with playing cards. 

 

-“Because I said so; and because mine is too small.”-she simply answered, glancing at the stuffed owl on her right side-(her leverage as she liked call it).

 

-“Space is relative Clara, I thought you learned that by now…”

 

-“So is the probability of me punching you in the face, now shush!”-she managed to successfully fill the hat with yet another random card.

 

-“Can I have a sandwich?”-he pleaded ogling a plate filled with delicious bread-triangles stuffed with all sorts of inviting things on Clara’s left.

 

-“No.”

 

-“You have all the food, the pillows; and Sniffles too. I really don’t see how that’s fair.”

 

-“It’s not.”

 

-“Then give me a sandwich.”

 

-“No.”

 

-“Why not?”

 

-“Because I asked you 4 times if you wanted me to make you one and you said no; and then you proceeded to make fun of me for eating “that much”. Besides, you have no idea of the abuse I had to put up with to make them. I am not going through that again.”

 

-“But that was before fridge-abuse. Now I’m hungry.”

 

-“It was 6 minutes ago.”

 

-“Time is relative Clara.”

 

-“So are the sandwiches.”

 

-“What do you mean?”- Doctor was growing impatient now to the extent of his companion’s knowledge of the relativity. He has thought her too well.

 

-“Well Doctor, you might think that the sandwiches are here on the plate next to me. And that might be true. But what is also true is the relativity of time and space as you already mentioned, and the exponentiality of my hunger, making it very probable and statistically in favor of the fact that in no time whatsoever, the existence of these sandwiches will therefore be annulled from this and/or all parallel universes, thus rendering me no longer hungry, and you deprived of their deliciousness.”-Clara finished triumphantly and added:-“You should have said yes when I asked you.”

 

-“I needed to be sure of the proper sampling, specifications and indeed testing of the ingredients; also the organization, documentation and procedures that ensure all necessary and relevant methods of quality testing of substances required in making these sandwiches before exposing my digestive system to it Clara.”-he said in one breath as if being the most natural thing.

 

-“You mean you don’t trust my grocer…”-Clara deduced. She really did know the Doctor too well sometimes.

/Silence/

-“And now you have no sandwich...”-she proceeded.-“How does that make you feel Doctor?”

 

-“Confused…”-he scratched his curly hair.

 

-“Right…Where are we then?”

 

-“In my bed Clara. I thought that was pretty obvious.”

 

-“With the scores…”

 

-“Oh that. I’m at 78, you have 12.33.”

 

-“What?! Not possible! I threw in 2 aces and 3 tens so far at least!”

 

-“Yes…But you also hit my foot with an 8 of hearts, which pulled a deduction of ∫15x2;”- she glanced at his striped black-velvet socks raising an eyebrow.-“Then you hit my thigh with a 7 of spades which ensured a subtraction of √23 plus Π and a ∑ of all ∫(x+z)12→∞ points.”

 

-“What if I was to hit (really not gently) something a bit higher up?”- she asked gently.

 

-“Eyebrows get you minus lim x→-∞arccos{x/x2 +time + √infinite – black hole density}”

 

-“I wasn’t thinking about eyebrows...”

 

-“Oh, well that’s a restricted area Clara. It was violated once already by your spectacular aiming skills, thank you very much.”

 

-“Oh, you ain’t seen nothin' yet.”-Clara winked.

 

-“Bad grammar is such a turn-on Clara; especially from an English teacher.”

 

-“I know.”-she retorted with a smile that threw the Doctor as well as his impeccable, (not really) aim into sending a rather bewildered 12 of hearts into the welcoming hands (well I say hands...) of one of the mocking-sliced-bread-and slightly improved-but still not very presentable- but probably very exquisite-offenders.

 

-“Right,”-Clara started,-“that’s got to be points off even by your silly rules.”-she gave him a significant look.

 

-“No, the sandwich deserved it. My books on the other hand were innocent,”- Doctor surmised pointing quite casually to a pile of books stacked on the floor by the bed-“hence the 13.67 point deduction.”- he made a - _“sorry Clara, really no way of changing the rules, it’s not like I made them up or anything”_ \- kind of a notion during which he kind of showed his hand. And by “showing his hand” I naturally mean the inside of his crisp-white and crisp and freshly ironed, and did I mention crisp white? shirt that was now rather splendidly producing a bunch of confused cards; that slowly bled down his arm and onto the mattress beneath his stoned gaze.

A moment of silence filled the room.

After that detailed description of a very silent moment, the said moment was interrupted (a few moments of silence after, mind you) by a clearing of a small throat, only to be cut off by a certain Time Lord’s voice of deep and growling brilliance that deeply and growly and did I say- sexily? filled the room, thus extinguishing the silence henceforth.

 

-“No, no, no, no, hang on...You might think that you just saw a bunch of cards fall from my left sleeve, but I assure you that did not happen.”-Doctor was fairly convinced himself (No, I won’t give you the percentage...Oh, all right, it was 72,81%...Happy?).

 

-“Is that how you always win-by cheating?”

 

-“Time Lords do not cheat Clara...”-he waived off the preposterous accusation.-“Clara, what are you doing?”

 

-“I am binding your guilty arm to the bedpost over your head. Seeing that, as you already so wisely put it, Time Lords do not intentionally cheat, I have subsequently reached a conclusion that your left arm acted by its own volition, and therefore you would not object to me punishing it.”-Clara secured a firm knot.

 

/Silence/

-“Problem?”

 

-“Just one that is currently stabbing my enormous brain with a two-faced-7 inch-poison of the Judas tree-blade, made from unearthly metal of significant strength.”

 

-“Which is?”- Clara returned to her pillow fortress.

 

-“How am I to play with only one hand?”

 

-“Carefully and without cheating, or you shall lose that one as well.”- she responded through a sly grin.

 

-“Could you not mock me too by eating so loudly?”

 

-“I could try...But where’s the fun in that?”-Clara grinned biting another big chunk of her quite-extraordinarily-tasty sandwich that Doctor could have swore was increasing in its deliciousness with each agonizing second.

******************************** 

Time elapsed; probably. Maybe not; remember, it’s all relative. And stuff must have happened. Well I say must, but that's a strong word. What is certain was my inability to describe the scenes that took place, (I wasn’t there you know. Gosh, some people...) except by stating the progressiveness of the player’s eagerness to end the retched game. And they both knew how.

It all started with,...No wait. That’s not right. 

It all continued (that’s better) with a spectacular 3 of diamonds landing in the Time Lord’s exquisitely-silvery-curly-one of a kind-bringer of darkness or something else entirely-dangerously seductive-oh so very soft hair, sent by his companion. On purpose? Well it wouldn’t be fair if I told you, now would it?

 

-“Great shot Clara!”- Doctor gloated. –“I believe you lost this one as well.”-he reached into his above mentioned hair, (drooling), to retrieve the card.

 

-“Is that a card I see in your other sleeve?”

 

-“No...?”

 

-“Are you quite sure Doctor? You don’t sound very sure.”

 

-“117,318% sure.”

 

-“Then how come I can see the edge of it lurking? An Ace if I am not mistaken.”

 

-“You are mistaken.”-Doctor clumsily tried to find a suitable position to guard his free hand, deciding foolishly to place it between his legs.

 

-“Mind if I check?”

 

-“Yes I do mind Clara! What happened to trust?!?”

 

-“It drowned in a raging ocean when you made it rain kings and jacks out of your other sleeve.”

 

/Silence, our old friend/

 

-“...Truth shall set you free.”-she offered a way out.

 

(...)

 

-“Right, fine...I do have a card there.”

 

-“I knew it!”-Clara exclaimed, now straddling the cheating Time Lord, and binding his right arm next to the left one.

 

-“Wait...You said truth shall set me free.”-he tried.

 

-“It did.”-she simply said checking on the strength of her handiwork.

 

-“Both of my arms are tied over my head Clara. I don’t see how that constitutes as freedom.”

 

-“You are free. Free to react to whatever happens next.”-she wriggled a bit in his lap.

 

-“No, no...Come now Clara, I had no idea I had them.”- he breathed out.-“These are bigger on the inside sleeves; who knows when I put the card in, and if in fact it was me who put it in!”- but to no avail. So he tried again:

-“What if I said I was sorry?”

 

-“Oh yeah... That usually works.”-Clara responded unbuttoning the first button of his ever-so-white shirt.

 

-“Then...”-he let out a small moan.-“I am truly and awfully sorry Clara for my blatant disregard of the rules and plain right cheating. I was wrong, it was wrong, Ufffff. Wrong indeed, aaah. Sooooo very wrong!”- his eyes fell on her chest.-“Wrong in every sense, and I am so, so, so, WOW! so, so, sorry my dear Clara and please would you untie me now?”

 

-No.”

 

-“But I said I was sorry.”-he huffed.

 

-“I know. I was lying...Now, let’s play another game.”-she reached for a new deck of cards making the poor Time Lord squirm and shiver as she moved over his ‘restricted’ area.

 

-“I will show you two cards Doctor, and you can guess which one is higher. If you guess correctly, you get to make a request. If not...”

 

-“What then?”

 

-“Let’s just wait and see.”

 

-“I don’t need to wait, I know exactly how this game ends.”

 

-“Then stop complaining and enjoy the ride. So...Which is bigger?”-she showed the Doctor two turned-over cards.

 

-“Mine, clearly.”-he grinned mischievously. 

 

-“Card...”

 

-“Left one.”-he answered not even glancing at them.

 

-“Correct...Are you reading my mind Doctor?”

 

-“Wouldn’t dream of it.”-he lied, piercing her brown eyes with his blue wonders.

 

-“Fine. So what’s your request?”

 

-“Skirt-off.”

 

-“You are getting the hang of this game.”

 

-“You’re not.”-he made an evil smirk that went unnoticed by Clara who was in the process of removing the requested material, before not-so-subtly returning to the same spot in his lap.

 

-“Right...”-she made herself comfortable by moving ever so slightly and sending shivers through the Time-(oh dear)-Lord.-“How about now?”she showed him two new cards.

 

-“Getting there...”-he could barely manage.-“The right one.”-he said biting his lip. And now it was Clara’s turn to smile wickedly. It was the wrong answer. The very, very wrong and intentionally-deliciously wrong answer that she immediately punished by undoing the rest of his shirt; uncovering his toned chest.

 

-“Oh look at that...All gray, how cute.”-her comment was directed at the curly patch of chest hair she then proceeded to play with.

 

-“Gray in strategic places.”- he promised.

 

-“Is that so?”

 

-“Oh yes.”

 

-“You’re enjoying this game too much Doctor.”

 

-“There is no such thing as too much. Not when there is an eternity of unraveling galaxies, spiraling inside your brown eyes that threaten to swallow me whole and imprison my soul forever in its pleasure-torture land.”

 

-“Hmmmm, how poetic. No doubt one of your strategies.”

 

-“There are no strategies against you my Clara. They are all bound to fail, just like that five of clubs you’re currently holding in your left hand.”

 

-“So you _can_ read my mind.”

 

-“Guilty. But I do have a _get-out-of-jail-free-card_.”

 

-“Oh yeah, how come?”-Clara let the remaining cards drop to her side.

 

-“I got it that time I took you ice-skating.”

 

-“You never did!”

 

-“Oh...Really?”- Doctor was genuinely confused.

 

-“You tried, but we ended up on that mud infested planet. Do I need to refresh your memory?”-She placed her hands on his bare stomach. –“You had mud here,...”-then moved further down,-“...and here, and...”-

 

-“Aaaaaand in all the right places. Yes I do get the point Clara. As I recall, you also had mud everywhere, and the shower hardly helped.”

 

-“Hard is the very word. And do you remember why?”

 

-“Can’t really recall to be honest. It’s all a bit of a blur,”-he made a glance over her entire body recollecting the encounter. –“I was too busy dealing with the density and radioactive properties of the slightly-alive-mud to notice how you blushed all over; and indeed some other human weaknesses that possessed your body at the time.”

 

-“Well you weren’t really all relaxed come to think of it...”

 

-“A minor detail.”

 

-“Oh I wouldn’t say minor.”-Clara finally stopped her hand progression at the strategic ‘minor’ location.

 

-“Steady on.”-Doctor bucked under her arm earning a smile out of Clara. 

Leaning towards him, she stopped her lips at a grazing point from his ear and whispered.

-“What am I thinking now Doctor?”

 

-“Nothing good.”-he swallowed.

 

-“How about now?”-she grinded with a bit more force, while brushing her lips with his trembling ones.

 

-“Something even worse.”-he whispered closing his eyes.

 

-“And you want it to happen?”

 

-“Only if Sniffles lives.”-Doctor demanded surprising Clara by taking Cuddles in his teeth. It was a strategy of his to punish her lack of attention. Even bound, a Time Lord is very dangerous you know...

 

-“Oh I think we can make some kind of arrangement.”-Clara agreed, placing Sniffles into a nearby drawer. 

What followed was a series of strange sounds and whispers. Sniffles couldn’t really tell what they implied to, but was fairly certain he heard them many times before.


	6. To door, or not to door

-“I really don’t think that’s a good idea Doctor.”-Clara looked at the kneeled Time Lord.

 

-“Don’t be silly Cuddles.”-he replied casually to his companion while trying to pick-lock an incredibly huge, red-ink-stained, yet still very beautiful, and smelly, although interestingly-strangely carved, wooden door.

 

-“There could be something truly terrifying behind those doors. Maybe we should just leave it be...”-she proposed.

 

-“Countermanded. There could also be fluffy bunnies for all we know.”-Doctor responded pushing the comb further into the lock.

 

-“There are never fluffy bunnies behind the doors covered in scratch marks and labelled with _Danger_ , and _Keep out_ and _Giant-flesh-eating-squid on the other side_ signs! Why would there be bunnies behind the towering, ink-stained and red-dripping highly ominous doors that also has a picture of _you_ -no less, with a comb trying to pick the door, crossed over by two red lines! I am thinking those signs are probably trying to tell us something.”

 

-“Overruled. There are bunnies on the other side. How amazing is that Clara?!”-Doctor was beyond excited.

 

-“Let me be more blunt then. (But not as blunt as the spoon I shall later use on you.) Doctor, I am scared and really not in the mood to find out what flesh-devouring monster is going to chase me next, giant squid or Killer rabbit of Caerbannog!”

 

-“That’s ridiculous; this is not the cave of the Legendary black beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh. Anyway, he’s a very nice fellow, and owes me a favor. I helped him plant some carrots a few centuries back. Or was that forward?”-he stopped confused.

 

-“Ok. I’m being the voice of reason here. Slowly back away from the wooden-door-of-certain-doom and take me for some cocktails.”-Clara pleaded.

 

-“Wait, that’s sounds very illogical. Reason? I recon the most reasonable thing to do now would be to face head-on with no proper adjustment or preparation whatever fluffy bunnies and/or puppies are behind these doors.”-he sounded very sure.

 

-“Right...Did you hit your head, again? I told you not to wear those stupid shades inside a pitch-dark tunnel we are currently trapped in.”

 

-“I heard, noted and filed that notion under: _Clara’s being roundish and beautiful again_ , on 6 separate occasions, and then once more right before I hit my head on that wall there; but don’t worry. I can almost smell the sounds this comb is making so please be quiet.”-Doctor continued to jimmy the lock with his trusty tool.

 

-“Still not good with wood I see...”-Clara made a very nice attempt to not sound smug, but failed rather deliciously.

 

-“I think these doors hate me...”-he gave them a ”raising of the eyebrow in contempt look” expressing his resentment upon the fact that the lock had now claimed his comb as its first victim. 

 

-“Hey! Here’s a crazy idea! How about we leave them alone to exist in their wonderfully-terrifying way and go?”

 

-“That sounds very unlikely. Could you pass me your shoe?”

 

-“What for?”

 

-“I want to try and convince the door to open by sacrificing your shoe.”

 

-“Come again?”

 

/clicking and door-unlocking sounds/

 

-“Gotcha!”-Doctor jolted to his feet; uncovering his highly stained, plaid trousers he insisted on wearing.

 

-“Doctor!”

 

-“What? I thought you said you wanted me to open it.”- he was truly confused at this point.

*****************************************

-“I really believed there would be bunnies this time.”-Doctor said puffed from their “vigorous jog” as he put it; while a giant-death-squid was “vigorously” chasing them.-“I’m really disappointed now.”-he added adjusting his shades that tried desperately to fall off and run away from the madman who was wearing them, after almost crashing into yet another wall.

 

-“Oh I’m sorry, did you say something?”-Clara’s voice came from a few feet behind.-“I couldn’t hear you over the fact of how incredibly angry I am with you, and the roar of yet another beast that is trying to eat me!”

 

-“I SAID: AREN’T YOU DISAPPOINTED FOR THE LACK OF BUNNIES CLARA!?”-he shouted over the roars of the beast.-“I really don’t understand why there are never bunnies or puppies..”- he sounded sad now.

 

-“And just so you know, it was embarrassing!”-Clara added, managing to throw an angry scowl at the Time Lord, while jumping over some red-rocks.

 

-“What is/was/will have been embarrassing? And why are you talking in riddles Clara?”

 

-“Am not.”-she huffed out confused.

 

-“And there you go again. What’s wrong riddle-woman?”

 

-“Stop calling me that, Time-alien-thingy..Argh! I was just recollecting your ridiculous proposal.”

 

-“My what?”-Doctor turned abruptly around, managing to propel the tails of his torn-down hoodie across his face rendering him vision-impaired for a second,(more than usual regarding the shades he was still refusing to take off), making his run even more uncoordinated (it was possible believe it or not...).

 

-“Your proposal!”

 

-“Oh I’m sorry, I got confused there.”-he came to a more stable running position by flaying his arms and brushing the hoodie off of his face. –“ Because I distinctly remember nailing it perfectly.”-he said calculating the exact point at which the squid-of-doom will catch up with them ending the debate by feasting. He half-cheered to that option if he was being honest.

 

-“You blurted a bunch of unrelated words at me Doctor! Nailing them to the desk would have been a better choice of placement. Arranging them in a logical fashion wouldn’t have hurt either.”

 

-“I did write them down somewhere, but I brilliantly forgot to remind myself to remember to read them.”

 

-“Clearly.”-Clara sighed, re-evaluating her life choices.

 

-“Hold on to that thought, cause this really isn’t the time to be having this conversation my dear, confused Cuddles. Maybe later tonight...”-they were still “vigorously jogging” away from the giant-death baring-squid and were now reaching the place where the Doctor parked the TARDIS, probably. He was 63.27% sure.

 

-“You know what, any time is as good as this one.”-Clara said abruptly stopping a certain-amount-of-feet-distance from the blue ship; squid’s death-chant echoing behind her.

 

-“Clara... Please if you would be so kind as to sway your silly-little, but gorgeous-none-the-less-legs in a running fashion, maybe?”-Doctor noticed his companion’s lack of cooperation.

 

-“No.”

 

-“Then I’ll carry you.”

 

-“How romantic...”

 

-“Will you stop about that?!”

 

-“No.”-Clara glanced around to check on the monster’s progress. It seemed to be slowing down; perhaps growing interested in the ongoing debate, who knows? –“Why would I? It was you who said: _-Romantic Clara; the most romantic two-mooned diamond-waterfall shrubbery-planet you’ve ever seen. For our honeymoon,_ \- you said. And what do I get? A deathly-repulsive-foul-smelling squid!”

 

/squid grunted resentfully/

 

-“Right, so I made a slight miscalculation in atom-accelerator-placing-coordinates and directional unit got a bit confused. Again.”-he admitted.

 

-“And the proposal was appalling too.”-Clara made an effort to look as offended as possible, not bothering to acknowledge the shabby Time Lord or the squid that was now stone silent; few-measure-of-space-units away and listening intently. _Only candles and some music were missing and the evening would have been complete_ -the squid thought.

 

-“What do you mean?”

 

-“Oh for heavens s...Quote: _“Right, so...Ummm...Time and space, clearly. And infinite and such...And stuff, probably with things to see I suppose. And together, ummm, feelings? What do you say?”_

 

-“What’s wrong with that?”

 

-“Not what you would call romantic is it? And you said it while in the middle of fixing the underside of the console; flat on your back, I could barely see your knees!”

 

-“My best angle, wouldn’t you agree?”-he smiled.

 

-“Seriously?”-Clara’s arms came to rest on her hips. Both her and the squid were now eagerly awaiting for some sort of intelligent response from the hoodie alien with holes in his attire. Should they hope?

 

-“Are you doing the eyes-thing again? You know it confuses me Clara. What is wrong with your eyes?”

 

-“Nothing! I am just expressing my displeasure by conveying my thoughts and letting emotions form certain body alterations, hence the arms-on-hips and eyes-thing.”

 

-“I can fix that displeasure in no time, just not here Clara.”

 

-“Again, how very romantic of you...”

 

-“I have been crowned the most romantic being in the southern part of the known cosmos. Lost the game for the entire Universe to Mary-the-praying-mantis. Let me tell you, she had the most fantastic...”-but was cut off.

-“I was being sarcastic!”

 

-“And I was being seductive.”

 

-“And did it work?”

 

-“Time will tell Clara.”-he winked at the confused squid.

Squid-the-deathly-tentacle has now taken a very comfortable position, throwing side glances at the tall-masculine figure he was having problems determining whether he should eat or ...”(Let go home of course. What did you think it meant? Shame on you, really.)

 

-“And who is talking in riddles now?”-Clara managed to interrupt the intense moment of silence.

 

-“Not my fault Clara; we’re bonded. Must have picked it up from you.”

 

-“Oh, so it’s my fault now?!”-at which the Doctor just shrugged.

The-13-squishy-tentacle-Squidy shifted uncomfortably. _Should it intervene? It felt the need to help, but then again it felt another need which told him to devour their frail, tasty bodies. Choices..._

 

-“Oh...You’re so sleeping on the floor tonight!”-Clara started walking towards the TARDIS.

 

-“But Clara! We’re on our before-weeding-honeymoon...”-Doctor gave a sad glance to the Squidy-the-old-oily-squid, as if asking for compassion. The squid understood completely.

 

-“Squishy the deadly Squid can keep you company, see if I care!”-Clara yelled reaching the blue-wonder-box of wonder.

 

-“He’s called Steven, and he’s married. Look Clara, I’m sorry, most probably,”-he said catching up with her-“and tell me what can I do to make it right. Or linear? You humans love linear stuff...Or maybe rectangle, or whatever you need?”-he pinned her against the slimy, ink-stained blue-wooden door of his bellowed old-girl; hands on her shoulders and desperate for clues.

 

-“I need to take a shower.”

 

-“That’s a bit drastic, isn’t it?”

 

(...)

 

-“Oh a shower? Sorry, I misheard. I had something in my shoe.”

Squishy-the Steve-squid-Steven was now propped by his first couple of tentacles, eyes wide. He remembered his first days with his new wife. The fights they used to have, and making little Stevens after that...Oh. He probably should sneak away now, shouldn’t he? _Yes, definitely-_ he decided turning slowly in his ink-trail and cautiously retreating from the scene, smile on his face.

 

-“That’s a shame, I really liked those shoes.”-Clara finally said, wondering why is he still towering over her, and where the hell was Steven?

 

-“He’s gone home.”-Doctor interrupted her thought.

 

-“You’re reading my mind.”

 

-“It’s shouting. Can’t help it. Besides, it’s so much faster than reading the manual.”

 

-“Reading the what now?”

 

-“The _“Twelve thousand and eleven pages worth of a manual on women and how to begin to grasp some of it about them, but won’t really help at all”_ by an amazing chap I met in a bar. Owes me a favor.”-he winked softly.-“It’s very good and deliciously useless, I’m half way through it already. But I prefer a more hands-on approach.”

 

-“Romantic.”

 

-“Stop it...”-he leaned even closer to her body.

 

-“Fine, but I still want those moons, and cocktails and stuff!”

 

-“Oh, you know how I love it when you quote my proposal.”-Doctor took that moment to claim her mouth and other parts by crushing his body with hers-making the TARDIS door swing open. They landed, all feet and limbs and tentacles,(I’m kidding, Steven was home by that point, don’t worry) on the floor of the trusty ship; who was kind enough to close the doors behind them.


	7. Chapter 7

**-The Dynamics or reasons of the why and wherefore**

 

 

The was no way around it. They were stuck and he was going to have to admit it at some point. Failed again. Well, _failed_ was a rather strong term, wasn’t it? Miss-judged, or miscalculated, slightly mis-flew or delicately misaligned the coordinates? Was that even a word-mis-flied? Well, it was now-he thought. Yes, that sounded far better. Why he simply could not navigate to that ice-skating planet was beyond him, but he kinda liked it. And what was ice anyway???Just some frozen liquid, not worth his efforts, or Clara’s yet another frowning and eye-thing-doing that puzzled him greatly.

 

But still, being stuck on the barren-desert-alien-hot, crazy-hot planet was something, right? _Oh, just get a grip Doctor_ \- he tried to encourage himself. Just say: _Clara, I am sorry, I seemed to have failed in navigating towards an ice-skating planet of eternal ice and cold, once again. I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me._ ( Yes, that sounds great.) _My hand slipped when I was putting in the coordinates because I saw a flicker in your eye and it reminded me of the eternal blackness of the cosmos and how little we have seen of it_ ( ehem, brain?, getting a bit lost there), _and I wanted to share that moment with you, so I took you here instead._ (Yes, that will work.) - _And also, the TARDIS has decided, and this has absolutely no connection to the wiring that I did all morning under the console, whatsoever,_ ( don’t tell her that!!!) _to burn half the dials in attempt to prevent the end of the Universe and is now a bit angry with me, Heaven knows only why_ ,(nice save) _and might not let us in for some time._

 

_Right, so here goes_ -he turned to his petit companion, who was staring at the vast sand kingdom in front of them. He finally spoke:

-“Clara, my dearest Cuddles, do you know that intricate smell of dust on the road, that was just moments before sprinkled with a mild and refreshing rain, and is now glistening in the Sun as it lets out the aroma of the Summer’s flowery afternoon, mixed with freshness of dandelions and wild-flower mist raging somewhere in the mountains, near a crystal-clear stream, that’s not too near the mountain-top, but fairly near the small lake, and that has on its bank a 2000 year old tree? Once majestic, colossus of a wooden forest king, and now bathed by Sun’s rays that cast a great shadow over a patch of glistening grass, still covered by small paw-marks of woodland creatures in the morning mist?

 

-“Wow, the situation must be very dire indeed.”-Clara answered, rolling her eyes in silent desperation.

 

-“Why would you think that? I just wondered if you were familiar with that particular sensation...But on a side note, the TARDIS broke down, and we might be stuck a bit on this desert planet.”-he added under breath.

 

-“Desert? I’d love some.”-Clara said sarcastically.

 

-“No Clara, a desert as in endless sand. No cookies this time.”

 

-“You know what, your accent is getting heavy again.”

 

-“Is that a problem?”

 

-“Only if I don’t get some desert later.”

 

-“Sure, I’ll make some from all the sand that surrounds me. In the meantime, we should split up to cover more ground. Look for anything weird or out of place.”

 

-“Found it.”-she said looking at him.

 

-“What?”

 

-“Nothing.”-Clara started walking away.

*******************************************

-“Why are you in a hole Clara?”-Doctor asked looking down on his little companion.

 

-“I fell in.” Clara responded drearily. She was seated, legs outstretched in a rather large sink-hole, she stumbled upon an hour prior, and after many fruitless attempts to climb out, she reached the conclusion of being a bit short, (but not too much mind you), and decided to rest for a bit.

 

-“Why would you do that?” 

 

-“Fun? Adventure? Or I just lost balance? Maybe you should venture a guess.”-An annoyed expression on Clara’s face was unmistakable but unnoticed by the Time Lord. He was not a lord of reading emotions, that much was clear.

 

-“Are you having fun?”-he asked casually.

 

-“Not really, no.”

 

“Something interesting down there?”-he asked praying for that eventuality. The rest of the planet was all sand and he was starting to get rather bored.

 

-“Oh I see, you are doing elimination process, to aid your deduction, very clever indeed.”-Clara shifted her skirt, brushing a massive amount of sand off of it quite casually.

 

-“So?”

 

-“You mean, apart from the abundance of burning sand, some weird looking roots and a crazy skeleton-thingy? Nope, nothing out of the ordinary.”

 

-“So you just fell in by accident?”

 

-“That would be the general conclusion, yes.”

 

-“Do you need my help to get out?”-The Doctor smiled a bit. Getting a control-freak to admit on needing help was always fun. A little victory he rather enjoyed.

 

-“Well, if you could be bothered to apply your massive intellect into solving this little conundrum, and find a way to spring me out of this pickle, I might be very grateful.”

 

-“Might?”

 

-“In fairness, I might come onto you and express my growing impatience and, at the moment-internalized anger, through a very violent disposition by smacking you in the face.  
But you know, it’s a fifty-fifty chance really.”-Clara shrugged.

 

-“I really don’t like those odds.”-Doctor gave that notion a quick thought.

 

-“They are growing progressively worse with each second Doctor, but as I said, it’s your choice.”  
*******************************************************

 

-“It’s indigo.”-The Doctor stated.

 

-“I rather think it’s crimson.”-Clara replied uninterested.

 

-“Could it be both?”-he proposed. 

 

-“It could, in another universe. Not sure. But the color is hardly of importance.”-she deduced.

 

-“Oh, I wouldn’t say so.”-Doctor lowered his sonic shades only to find out that the object of their growing interest was indeed more red than blue under normal light; he then sighed silently for being wrong and readjusted his glasses with his middle finger, thus securing it on the ridge of his nose.-“Such details are very important Clara.”-he continued, now putting his hands into pockets, brushing his red-velvet coat behind his back.

 

-“Are we doing deductions now?-Clara was standing next to him, one arm below her chin, other supporting it and across her belly. She had a very pensive feel to her indeed.

 

-“Just passing the time.”

 

-“Then, oh Great and powerful Doctor that got us into this mess in the first place, but who is very smart and incredibly funny-looking in that red-velvet under this scorching heat, pray, do tell what can you deduce from the alien thingy, in the middle of the desert, that is currently in front of us?”-she said.

 

-“Well my little celestial bunny, I can deduce a variety of very ingenious things, sadly, my brain operates on so much higher level than average humans, that I cannot possibly explain the how-s, why-s and why-not-s of them all.”

 

-“Do try, or this celestial bunny will no longer be silly and so well behaved.”

 

“Well I should probably start with the unmistakable fact that it is obviously blue,(he wasn’t going to admit) with a hint(he punctuated that word) of red. Maybe, mixed, maybe!”-he added. -“It’s roundish but with curved, slick edges so it seems to be aerodynamic. It has a metal exoskeleton, that allows a pressure of 12 metric tons to be exerted on it without braking and wings to be stored safely beneath. Four no, five legs (yes Clara, that is his fifth leg), and elegant bone-metallic structure that allows the creature to reach up to 112 miles per hour running speed, with 4.8 meters long strides, and 90 miles per hour flying speed, if you calculate wind and atmosphere resistance on this particular planet and the wing-span. Wings are made of silk-like material, but appear to be much stronger than at first glance. They also appear to be of a shape-shifting ability thus allowing the creature to perform sharp turns mid-air at those speeds. They can shrink 2,3 times in size and are collapsible, fitting into the exoskeleton during ground time. This sophisticated and highly developed being seems to be able to remain under water, or in oxygen-starved environment for up to 30 minutes, and is probably a carnivore, but then again, that is his decision really. Have I missed anything?”-Doctor felt really proud, almost smug casting a glance at Clara.

 

-“It’s dead.”-She added.

 

-“Right, that too.”-he admitted scratching his head.

 

-“Which begs to question as to why it’s dead, and will we be so unlikely to follow in his long strides.”-She casts a significant and annoyed look upon the Time Lord. They were stranded on a desert planet for 6 hours now, and she was getting rather thirsty. But she decided to push aside her urges and face the problem at hand.-“So what could possibly have killed such an advanced and sophisticated creature Doctor?”

 

-“No clue.”

 

-“God, you are so useful sometimes.”

 

-“Well I can hardly ask him for clues, can I?”

 

-“Brilliant. We are going to die on this God forsaken planet, burned by the blazing Sun, while arguing about the food preference of a dead, red-alien-thingy!”

 

-“Blue and yes, that is one possibility.”

 

-“And what are the others?”

 

-“Well, one that immediately springs to mind at this time could be the imminence of torture and/or violent death by those savages over there, that are currently running towards us. But there are many more.”-he shrugged returning his attention on the deceased creature.-“These wings are quite remarkable...Did you know that they change colour in order to blend with the surroundings? Quite remarkable.”

 

-“Shouldn’t we run or something, Doctor?”-Clara started panicking a bit, noticing the violent looking group of natives closing-in with spears at a ready.

 

-“That wouldn’t be of much use.”-Doctor looked melancholically at the Sun above them.-“Such a warm day today.”-he sighed.

 

-“So we’re doomed?”

 

-“It’s your fault really, Clara, insisting on that ice-skating trip.”

 

-“Seriously?!”

 

The shouts of the savages were quite close now, and they started circling the two lost souls. Their skin was powdered-white and painted in war-colors with something that looked dangerously like the blood of their victims. Piercing spikes covered most of their barely clothed bodies. The spears they held pointed towards the two visitors were metal-tipped and covered in some green liquid, probably a local poison, or worse; and their helmets and shields were made of skulls and bones- very likely from their victims as well.  
Surrounding Doctor and Clara, they stood in circle trapping our two heroes, and grinning wildly showing razor sharp teeth.

 

-“Hello,”-Doctor took his hands out of pockets,-“I’m the Doctor and this is Clara, the girl of shifting personalities that travels with me and so much more, but that is another story. So very lovely to meet you!”-He gave them a sincere smile.-“We took quite a tumble, and our vessel got beached. So we are stuck and require assistance. Would you be so kind and oblige?”

 

One of the savages lifted his spear and took a step forward. He then glanced over the Doctor’s and Clara’s figures and started to produce clicking and whistling sounds; clearly a native tongue.

 

-“Doctor? What is he saying? Why can’t I understand?”-Clara whispered moving slightly closer to Doctor.

 

-“TARDIS is malfunctioning Clara, so is the translation circuit. Luckily, I am familiar with this language and all of its 38 dialects.”- he responded to the man by making a similar clicking noise to which the man smiled even wider.

 

-“What did he say?”

 

-“He asked what flavour are you? And I told him probably chicken. But I cannot be certain, something does get lost in translation.”

 

-“What?!”

 

-“He seems to like chicken.”-Doctor provided further translation,-“or whatever passes for chicken on this planet.”

 

/Clicking and whining sounds, followed by a lot of nodding by the rest of the soldiers./

 

-“I told him stew is always a good choice, but that you might need a bit of seasoning. He agreed.”-Doctor looked at Clara for opinion.

 

-“I’m thrilled you could help him. And what about you?”

 

-“Goodness no, I’m far too exotic for stew. Anyway, they do not have the right seasoning mix for my delicate flavor; not in this climate anyway.”-he deduced sniffing the air in approval. He translated all of that to the natives to which they looked rather disappointed. They did enjoy a good stew after all.

 

-“Oh good,”-Doctor declared-“they all agreed it should be barbecue for me. Been feeling rather peckish myself.”

 

-“Right, joking aside now Doctor. How on Earth are we going to get out of this one?”

 

They were now semi-formally being ushered in a certain direction, presumably towards the savage’s settlement.

-“Oh I’ll probably think of something.”-Doctor replied casually.-“A thing will happen, most likely.”

 

-“And when do you plan for the thing to happen?”

 

-“Oh you know, just before our imminent death I presume. But it’s a good thing, I think.”

 

-“Looking forward to it...”  
*****************************************

 

-“Any chance of that clever thing happening soon?”-Clara sounded a bit worried as the fire was lit under a great bronze cauldron, and all she could do is watch.

 

-“Oh quite soon, probably.”-Doctor responded casually while being roped to a pole and prepared to be placed over a second fire, barbecue style.

 

-“How soon??”-she cried out as they started to drag her toward the boiling and heavily seasoned water.

 

-“In about 12 seconds...Few, it’s getting warm here, isn’t it Clara?”

 

-“Quite warm!”-she could see the scorching mixture she would be dropped in any second and the black stained cauldron that was mercilessly tortured by the flames.-“Maybe too worm?”-she proposed.

 

-“3, 2, 1...”- Doctor whispered looking at a particular flame that was now dangerously closing on his ever-so-red coat.-Don’t you dare-he thought looking at it and raising an eyebrow in treat at the plasma-dancer.

 

And then it happened. First a distant roar, and then a deafening sound that stopped the savages in their tracks as if stopping time itself. And then one, two, and three single drops of shy rain fell onto the Time Lord’s smug face, followed by “out of the cable, full-on-unstoppable” type of shower-rain and the sky went gray. It did not take long, and the savages were all scattered to safety and both prisoners were left on their own in the mercy of the refreshing Summer rain, that quickly extinguished both fires.

 

-“I might have tampered with the atmosphere a bit, before they caught us. Clever, don’t you think?”-Doctor was very pleased with himself.

 

-“Very smart Doctor, brilliant in fact. But, there is still one small, insignificant tinkle of a problem you might have neglected.”-she added.

 

-“Which is?”

 

-“We are still trapped here. How are we going to escape?”

 

-“Oh that, well, I was thinking we could burn the ropes off...”-He said looking at the falling skies, and now definitely yelling through the heavy rain-drops that were making quite a noise crashing to the ground and what used to be fire, but was not turning into a rather thick mud.

 

-“Brilliant as always.”-Clara sighed, letting her head drop and gaze lovingly into her destined cauldron.-“Maybe we should just drown, might be easier.”-to which the Doctor just rolled his eyes in disapproval while wiggling like a madman, trying to get free from the pole.

 

Clara closed her eyes and let the rain feel its way into her shirt. Adrenaline now drained, she could feel the beginning of a shiver form. A loud thud broke her contemplation. It was a prominent sound of a certain Time Lord’s face and indeed whole front body slamming into the thick mud; quite a sound it was. Hardly describable that sound was, but I will do my best. It was a sound of a something fairly solid and bony, yet elegantly carved and quite soft in some places; filled with air to a certain extent and wrapped in your best carpet that was now drenched, falling from 4 feet height into a thick jelly-filled pool with some additional sounds of that previously mentioned air being forced out of the fairly solid thing, and replaced with a muffled scream that followed a rather unfortunate, perhaps even delicate and very private section of the thing’s body being not to subtly flattened upon the soft, yet unforgiving jelly.

 

And then, there was silence.

 

Then some grunting.

 

Followed by a string of unrecognizable words Clara could only imagine were the thing’s native language. Next thing Clara knew, she was being un-roped by the mud-covered creature; hair dripping and still grumbling under breath, while looking fairly annoyed at the sky.

 

-“Come on.”-he flapped his hand at her amused face.-“I think I saw some caves not far from here.”-he then started walking very carefully in the proposed direction. Maybe a bit too carefully-Clara observed and grinned, to which she got a –Don’t you dare!- from the Time Lord.

 

-“Wouldn’t dream of it.”-Clara chuckled, rushing to the Doctor’s side.


End file.
